I am not a politician!

With this title I hear by immunize myself against any criticism while I go on a political rant. After all, how many times has a politician used the line, ‘I am not a scientist’, before going on to say something that would only be imbecilic if it weren’t unbelievably dumb.

Everyone has to admit that this has been quite the Presidential election season, with pundits literally eating their words based on the fact that the man with a penchant for naming buildings after himself is now the Republican nominee. I’ll admit I’m not a fan, although he’s clearly touched a nerve in a significant percentage of the electorate that needs addressing. He actually reminds me a lot of the guy who was the CEO of the company where I used to work in Virginia, who also was from Queens, NY. He also named the building we worked in after himself. There were some great people there, but it was an unhappy place to work, and while outwardly successful, was hamstrung from real success by a ‘me first’ CEO. That CEO would have been a terrible President.

By all accounts the fellow who is now the Republican nominee has quite an ego, and terms to describe him like narcissist and megalomaniac are bandied about. His name is clearly important to him, and one of his most (his only?) brilliant political strategies has been to pin locker room sobriquets on his opponents. Therefore, I’ll provide some free (non)scientific advice to Hillary Clinton, or in case she ends up in handcuffs, courtesy of the FBI (ya gotta love American politics!), Bernie Sanders.

Pretend you’re a clinical psychologist and do a little experiment.  Go six weeks without using his name, and see what that does to his already tenuous Presidential composure. I notice that Garrison Keillor is already doing this, but he’s not running for President.

Here’s my list of alternative names for the Republican nominee from New York City. To keep it high brow, insert: ‘My esteemed opponent for President of the United States of America, the….


  • Thrice married beauty pageant promoter.
  • Casino magnet from Manhattan
  • Real estate salesman from New York City
  • Reality TV star from New York City
  • Billionaire from New York City
  • Florida real estate developer
  • Mogul from Manhattan
  • Ex-for profit University Chancellor
  • Steak salesman from Queens
  • Republican nominee from Manhattan
  • The Republican’s choice from New York City
  • Past big donor to my Senate Campaign
  • Golf course impresario
  • Litigious businessman from New York City
  • Former husband of Marla Maples

It’s kind of fun, see what you can come with.


David Emerson

About David Emerson

David Emerson is a professional scientist at the Bigelow Laboratory for Ocean Sciences who studies bacteria that live literally between a rock and a hard place. The views expressed here are his alone.